oof! although i have a list of blog topics & mini learning(s) to post monthly, i just could not write/type… for the life of me.

i thought it was my grief surrounding nature being culled, yet again. or my grief surrounding the world cup (boycotted in solidarity). or my grief surrounding national day here in singapura. i thought it was my health, my hormones… i thought it was my mourning of not celebrating another china-versary (it wouldve been my 18th if i had stayed in shanghai). i started judging and second guessing myself. here i go, promising consistency (ONE post every last Friday of the month) and 3rd month in and i am already “flaking”??!! such a simple thing and i just couldnt? What?!!

then it hit me yesterday… end of july… was my natural mother’s birthday. my mind will not lock the date in. 30th or 31st? i have my paperwork, my original birth certificate… i had gone to the courts in 2018, to buy my scrubbed/hidden from me by the state & adoptive parents paperwork… yeah that paperwork. i know the date but i also understand my reluctance to have it logged onto my mind, onto my mental load, my heart… then it will be real! oof! 

do i message her? her birthday was 3 weeks ago now. she doesnt message me unless i message her. i had hoped she would jump at every opportunity to see me after i moved back home. but hey ive only met her 3 times in adulthood, since reunion in late 2018. i am the one who reaches out, asks questions, plans meetups, keeps in touch… my inner children are hopeful (like they always are) that people will change and pour into me for once. 

maybe it is my basic pasar melayu in text messages, i am better in english. maybe my messages dont even make sense oops. maybe shes activated, maybe she remembers the trauma of relinquishing me. am i being understanding, patient, showing empathy or am i enabling and making excuses for people again? probably all of it. 

i am so thankful for this breakthrough. i am back at it. my apologies if you had been waiting. 

July was another huge month of decolonizing and reindigenizing in community.

if you have not seen Pesta Babi, the documentary about Indigenous communities in West Papua, please do. i would suggest watching this in community. i could not stop crying but left so inspired. to our West Papuan saudara [relatives], i love you! thank you for fighting for what is rightfully yours. landback!!! Catch it here before they remove it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpdrWgDRVf8

i am also communing with Turtle Island native saudara-mara [relatives] online… WOW! So thankful to be invited into their space to witness their power and i am learning so much. once a week, i can really be all of me, share what it is like as an indigenous woman here on temasek.

tried out new movement classes by my own peoples. FUN and tiring. this chronically ill 45 year old did her best. Gasping for air but tak mati [did not die], hehe. 

brought out my vuvuzela for a Pali community futsal session too. the kids were too cute, ladies did fabulous and the men were fierce, like a proper football match, the pace and velocityyyy. 

Massive Attack was here and i am so thankful i could see them. A LOT happened. It be your own people sometimes – telling me to remove my keffiyeh-esque scarf. URGH! but the concert was so powerful. thankful to fellow audience members for being “Fearless on my breath”… WOW!!! i left feeling joyful, safe, nourished and was proud to be in community with people who care about truths and humanity. A lot happened after… but I am so proud of Massive Attack and am thankful they are safe. 

heres to many many more breakthroughs. gua caya sama lu [i believe in you]!

thank you for reading and being here. 

in caya/percaya [belief] and community,

sarah k